"The only right love is that between couples whose passion
leads them both, one through the other, to a higher possession of their
being .... Union, the true upward union in the spirit, ends by establishing
the elements it dominates in their own perfection ."
Relationships must be seen as a means to an end versus
an end in itself, with the end being the full flowering of each partner's
unique self! Relationship is a proving ground for who you really are because
unresolved issues with parental figures will always come to the surface during
the relationship. These unresolved issues reflect who you are at that moment.
Issues of betrayal, rejection or abandonment tend to be re-enacted, because
emotionally that is where we are still stuck.
In relationship we are always challenged to become who
we really are - for it was because of childhood relationships that we originally
separated from our true self and created a cocoon of ego consciousness.
Remember, the ego is always externalizing the inner quest
. It is always looking outside for an answer that can only be found within.
The astounding divorce rate in the United States becomes quite understandable
when we begin to realize that our primary quest is not for an answer outside
ourselves, but rather to re-unite with our authentic self which is often trapped
within a self-imposed prison of childhood fears.
I see this same scenario in virtually all of my clients,
and there can be no question as to what they - and all of us - are looking
for. In our intimate relationships, we are looking for permission
to truly BE OURSELVES.
The key question we must continually ask ourselves in
relationship is , " Am I truly being myself or am I compromising myself and
my values for the sake of the relationship ? "
To be able to be oneself and not have
to disown one's values to please another - that's what intimate love is all
about. - Milton Avery
In other words, intimacy ( into-me-see ) is based on the
honest and full expression of our deepest feelings, regardless of the risks
. And, interestingly enough, giving full expression of our deepest feelings
is the only way we can truly love ourselves . . and truly be ourselves.
Great love can both take hold and let go and quite
often - until you let go you cannot grow. This does not necessarily
mean letting go of the love, but it does mean letting go of the fears, dependency
and self-doubt that keep us from fully experiencing ourselves and accepting
love. Our self-respect is a wonderful guide for showing us just when
to let go. This step never happens at the same time for both partners . One
partner will always let go first and thereby risk the relationship. As such,
this letting go process can happen within the relationship and with the same
degree of pain and aloneness as an actual separation. It was Jerry Jampolsky
who wrote , "Love is making friends with fear because fear is the
constant companion of intimacy ." Let me make one important point
from my own personal experience of love, intimacy and fear within relationship.
Fear will completely override love, as psychic pain can override joy,
if we allow ourselves to be controlled by fear. Instead, we must completely
open our heart in relationship for, in so doing, we will be fully embracing
ourselves. By refusing to be controlled by fear and not denying love
- I have found all my fears to be merely speed bumps on my path to individual
wholeness , freedom and joy. By fully opening my heart I have literally
This is why relationship is the proving ground for who
we really are, for we must eventually be able to say that affirming ourselves
and being honest is more important than the survival of a relationship with
someone else! It is only then that we are truly giving each other
the ultimate gift - the gift of ourselves.
True relationship is thus a dance of intimacy (an honest
sharing of our thoughts and feelings) in which both partners support and unconditionally
love one another - leading eventually to inner joy and inner validation and
the courage and freedom to fully express and sing one's own true song, regardless
of the risks !
Only then can we truly become an instrument in
a divine loving plan of soul consciousness - THE
When you realize that God is , in reality , A
LOVING PLAN IN ACTION - you will know the true meaning of love. The
intent of love is ALWAYS for each one of us to become an instrument
in that loving plan. Relationship is the vehicle! As such,
by fully surrendering to love in relationship we ultimately will embrace ourselves
and our part in that loving plan.